Super Bowl XLIX commercials: Our one-sentence reactions to all 36 of them

1. Esurance No. 1

Lindsay Lohan driving a car is scary, but Lindsay Lohan mothering a preteen might be even scarier.

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2. Sprint

Television would be so much fun if we had bleating farm animals instead of "bleeps" and censor bars.

3. BMW

While I'm happy the internet is thriving all these years later, I'm equally elated Katie Couric's hairstyle died with the '90s — and, um also, that car is sorcery.

4. Snickers

Best The Brady Bunch episode I've ever seen.

5. Budweiser No. 1

I'm not sure what's cuter: the puppy, the horses or the Budweiser dude.

6. Toyota

Muhammad Ali + Paralympic medalist Amy Purdy = f'ing epic.

7. Carnival

I want to go back from whence I came... hey boss people, JFK-endorsed company vacay time?

8. Weight Watchers

F****************, I could go for some french fries right now.

9. Nissan

I wonder if my dad's still awake....

10. Nationwide No. 1

I totally would have made out with Mindy Kaling if she close-talked in my face during brunch.

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11. Kia

I'm not sure if this makes me want to drive a Kia, but it does make me want to go see whatever movie Pierce Brosnan is describing — so there's that.

12. Doritos No. 1

This flying pig is cute and all, but it still doesn't beat the "Don't mess with my Doritos, don't mess with my Mama" kid from Super Bowl commercials past.

13. Nationwide No. 2

Oh, yes, now that you mention it, a side of grim mortality and parental paranoia is precisely what my Super Bowl experience was missing.

14. Coca-Cola

Coca-Cola fills me with all sorts of warm fuzzies... and sugar, too.

15. Doritos No. 2

Heretofore, this shall be my flight plan anytime I travel.

16. McDonald's

This is fantastic — and brilliant — since I'll be one of the sappy schmucks hitting up McDonald's more to see if I get to pay with lovin'.

17. Dodge

Nothing — I repeat, nothing — is cuter than old people with sage advice and a need for speed.

18. Wix.com

Dear sweet baby Jesus, please let Brett Favre really create a start-up called Favre & Carve.

19. Always

Hell to the yes.

20. Chevy

For a second, I thought they were going to pull a Carl's Jr. and have the guy climb onto the hood of the truck in a bikini and smear hamburger juice all over his face.

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21. Esurance No. 2

Bryan Cranston needs to hook up with Brett Favre and get some info on starting a Wix.com page for an online pharmacy — 'cause he would make bank.

22. Fiat

So, the new Fiat is a big ol' boner, am-I-catching-the-drift-here?

23. Mountain Dew

Man, those are some sweet moves.

24. Heroes

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... is Heroes for real coming back, y'all?

25. Microsoft

Braylon O'Neill, you are my new hero... kudos, Microsoft.

26. Jeep

It's good to be a Jeep girl.

27. T-Mobile No. 1

It's hard to tell which is bigger in this ad — Kim Kardashian's booty or her sense of humor.

28. Jurassic Park

Chris Pratt in a safari vest does things to us.

29. Dove

Not gonna lie, I kind of loved the Dove commercial — it's not often you see a man kiss his son on the lips on TV.

30. Jeff Bridges

Is Jeff Bridges doing voodoo with a giant guacamole bowl on that sleeping chick?

31. Domestic violence

This needs to be seen and heard and discussed, but I just hope it doesn't clue abusers into a potentially life-saving secret out.

32. Clash of Clans

Mental note: Download Clash of Clans and see if AngryNeeson52 is a legit handle.

33. Loctite

That's it — I'm a Loctite user for life.

34. Bud Light

Is a life-size virtual Pac-Man a thing in real life and, good God, how do I get in on it 'cause I am the bomb-dot-com at chompin' on some pac-dots.

35. T-Mobile No. 2

Chelsea Handler and Sarah Silverman need to be BFFs in real life, and they need to invite me over to hang out with them in Handler's subterranean petting zoo.

36. Budweiser No. 2

I mean, I'm all about some good craft beer... but I wouldn't hate it if they threw a puppy in this ad, too.